Rape.

“If it makes you happy. It can’t be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?”

She must have sung the same line over and over in her head a hundred times. She just needed something to do; something to distract her.

“Daddy’s not very happy with your singing.”

 He spoke the words in a voice that dripped with salaciousness. It was a voice that no father should ever use with a child, let alone his own.

“Lisa! Pay attention, you don’t want to miss this. Daddy’s got a trick for you.”

Lisa knew she could stop singing now or keep singing and get beaten until she stopped. She weighed it up in her mind.

Right now what’s worse? A beating or his touch...a beating or his touch?

The tears began to fall. She was angry at herself. If she cried he won. She really didn’t want a beating today.

“You are in control” she whispered to herself. She needed to hear it to believe it and she needed to believe it to get her control back.

Her tears excited him. This wasn’t about the sex for him. It never really is. He wanted the control, the power.

This is the only way. I’m irrelevant everywhere else. She understands. She knows I don’t mean to hurt her. I love her. And she loves me. She’s okay with this.

Clive assured the little part of him that was still human.  He hated it when it had the nerve to make him feel guilt. It was never enough guilt to stop completely. But it put him off his game and he would have to do something to spice it up.

Clive began kissing his daughters’ neck; she closed her eyes and filled her mind. With anything and everything she could think of.

I hate this stupid farm house.

She was 19 now. But every time he brought her here, she transformed into this 9 year old wide eyed girl who can’t fight back, who can’t fight for her life. The thought almost made her laugh. Almost.

Fight for my life, what life. He’s taken everything. There really isn’t anything left to fight for.

And just when her mind freed her, something would bring her back. The smell of old mould and urine. They didn’t have much money. Clive couldn’t take care of the farm house, not the way it needed. Again lost in her thoughts and again her trance was broken.

He was...

Come on. COME ON...think stupid think. Anything. I can’t be here. Don’t you dare cry.

He stopped. This scared her.

This can’t be good. Maybe he knows about my hiding place.

“Run” he spat.

Lisa was confused for a second. Why was he letting her go, did he finally feel bad, was he ready to be a real father? She stopped herself.

Who the fuck cares!

She bolted. Lisa had a small build. She didn’t have the luxury of body issues.

She falls flat on her face coming down the narrow stairs. She rolled and with a thud she landed a few stairs shy of the bottom. Sharp pain. She didn’t have time for that now. She got up.

Fuck. FUCK...that hurts. Stop being weak. Run Lisa run.

The strong side of her not allowing her to give in. She ran towards the front door. She turned the knob. Nothing.

Shit, it’s locked. What now? Back door? No time. Break it!

She used all her weight to try and force the door open. There wasn’t enough weight, there wasn’t enough force.

Keep trying? No. What now!

A surge of panic swept over her.

Window.

 Lisa jumped through the window next to the door. Glass shattered and went everywhere, mainly in Lisa.

I’m out.

 She got up.

Fuck! The pain is unbearable. I can’t run. Hide. Where?

“Fuck!” she finally spoke out loud.

She heard the key in the front door. Defeat set in, paralysing her. Not enough to numb her pain.

Good god!

Lisa wanted to just lie down. Just standing was painful.

Click

Clive was standing in front of her now. Lisa looked up at him. Looked him dead in the eyes. Ready to face the next couple of hours of her life and she was going to be brave.

“Lisa...Lisa, are you still with us?”

She didn’t answer right away. She was really gone this time. It had never progressed this far. She had never gone unnoticed long enough for her mind to think of all the vile details.

“Lisa, would you care to share with us?”

“No thanks” she rushed back.

She hated it here. She was nothing like these people.

Group therapy, what a joke.

“Lisa, you won’t benefit from these group sessions if you don’t share. And think of the good that could come from it; you could be someone’s break through. Your story...”

If I have to listen to one more word of Leslie’s wishy washy counsellor bullshit, I’m going to scream.

“Okay, okay!” she said impatiently cutting Leslie off.

Lisa stood up and took a deep breath.

“I'm sad. That’s lame. Everyone is sad. Everyone has that dark side. It annoys me that mine has to define me.” Lisa was visibly uncomfortable. She rocked on her feet.

“Go on” Leslie urged her gently.

Lisa had no intention of being honest when she first stood up. But now she was feeling brave and she was just going to go with. She didn’t know when it would make another appearance, if ever.

“One day I was fine and then I wasn’t. I can’t say when it changed. It was a slow process. Each day I was more depressed than the previous day. And then one day I woke up and wished I hadn’t.”

Lisa began to cry and the more tears that dropped, the more she spoke. She was losing her nerve and she needed to finish before it was all gone. With a sense of urgency she continued.

“I get so tired. I have no energy left. Sometimes I think if I was lying on the floor and there was a magic wand next to me that would take my depression away and make me happy.”

She pause.

“ I wouldn’t have the fight to roll over and pick it up.”

Lisa paused again. No one spoke, everyone knew she wasn’t done yet.

Lisa had been picking at her thumbs. It was a nervous habit. She had broken the skin and it stung. She gave her thumb all her attention. She didn’t dare look up. A stranger and fellow sufferer took her hand, she just wanted to be there for Lisa.

“I’m ashamed,” Lisa continued; drawing strength from her neighbour’s hand.

“I’m damaged goods and I have nothing to show for it, no real reason why.” Lisa closed her eyes.

”I day dream, fantasise...”

She took in a deep breathe before continuing.

“About being sexually abused by my father. I think of all the terrible things he could have done to me. I tell myself ‘it’s not too late, he can still turn into a monster now.’”

Another pause.

“He never hurt me not once. My father is perfectly lovely.”

She sighed.

“I wish he had though.” Lisa shuffled her feet.

”I wish he had raped me.” Lisa waited for her words to sink in.

“Then I’d have a reason to be like this.”

Lisa sat down quickly. No one said anything to her. There wasn’t anything to say.

Finally Leslie spoke up. “Thank you for sharing Lisa.”