So you see the way I feel it

Yesterday was my birthday, the birthday I share with my mother. It’s always a bittersweet day for me. I wrote her a poem, and to help ease my pain. I will always miss her because she is someone worth missing. To Doris Zanele Amoateng, the most beautiful person I had the privilege of loving.

When I speak of you

I tell them of dreams

The you I wish I knew

Here. Today

You were frail and I was scared

Hiding behind see-through facades

Pointless and comforting

I’m still curious

How exactly do they expect me

To live without your voice

I knew it well, the sound of love

Please don’t ask me to describe it

I’m afraid they’ll see

I might have forgotten

Let it be my secret

My private shame

“Mummy please! I love you”

As if that would keep you here

I have no way of knowing

I wasn’t there

I know you loved me

Did you?

I’ll die wondering, regretting 

It’s mine to keep, a souvenir

So they know you’re missed

I walked backwards in circles for you

Maybe God would be kind

Reward my dizziness

Stop time. Take me back

I wouldn’t stay long

I’d hold your hand

Maybe if I was brave

I’d tell you we’d be fine

Without tears

You’d believe me, for my sake

Breathe deep until the air around us

Wasn’t enough to keep your heart beating

Peace would kiss your eyelids

Telling you to let go

Telling me to do the same

Miracles are for the rarest occasions

We aren’t so lucky

Do you know that I loved you?

Everything good in me

Is because you lived and loved me

Beautiful and perfect

Even your flaws glowed

I saw that, I won’t forget

I’ll doubt me, kinda

Will doubt be the gas that fuels your fire or will it be the fire that consumes you?

A little bit of doubt is good. If you don’t doubt yourself then you will never have any reason to strive to be the better, to be the best. Is there ever a place where you’ve made it, completely? If you answered that, and you think your answer is worth a pooh. Then please continue to be a silly fool. There is no hope for you anyway. If you think you are right at the top chances are you’re not. The people on the top have a healthy amount of doubt and while they acknowledge they are high up. They also acknowledge there is much left for them to do. Healthy doubt! Too much of a good thing, is no longer a good thing. Too much doubt is crippling, it stops you from trying before you have even began and you have sentenced yourself to fail time and time again. Find a balance!!

Essentially, we live in our minds. So whatever we put in there is what we are forced to live in. You want to fill your mind with fear and doubt then be prepared to live in fear and constant doubt. No one can make you doubt yourself unless you give them the permission to.

So I’ll ask you again, will doubt be the gas that fuels your fire or will it be the fire that consumes you?